follow your bliss

a flicker of love

2007-08-07T05:03:39Z

i love flickr. i don't have an account, but i simply love to creep around that site and look at people's photos. tonight i came across a group solely devoted to photos of couples. as much as i may say otherwise, i love couples.

cute love
baby love
first love
young love
old love
guy love
rock n' roll love
true love

musical discovery!

2007-07-21T00:12:30Z

This 'Love Song' cover is SICK. I'm in complete awe.

...and to top it off, my cell phone ring tone is 'On the radio' by Regina Spektor, and this guy does this song complete justice. He's absolutely brilliant.

Along with these two spectacular covers, he and a his friend perform originals, as well as covers by ray lamontagne, jude, and damien rice. (Andrew - check out the volcano cover, you'll love it). You Tube is my greatest friend sometimes. If you know me, there's nothing I love more than discovering good music. These guys are an hour away from a record deal, in my opinion. Instead of a teacher or a writer, I sometimes imagine myself as this hot shot business chick who is in charge of discovering new talent.

Hope your friday night is grand. Enjoy the tunes :)

xo a

far too good a mood

2007-07-13T03:46:18Z

I never know how to begin entries. Say hello? Nah, that's boring. Just start in mid-sentence? No, that's weird. So i'll begin like this. Life is great right now. I hardly ever use great, and when I do use it I feel like Lester Burnham did in American Beauty, just as he's about to get shot in the head. I, of course, don't feel like i'm about to die any time soon (knock on wood). I saw the most incredible movie on Tuesday night with my favourite girls in the universe. It was called 'Away from her' and maybe I'm partial to it because it was filmed entirely in Ontario...but it was about a couple who had been married for 45 years, and the wife was quickly developing altzheimers. She decided it was best to be put in the care of a nursing home, while her husband begged and pleaded with her to stay with him. It was heartbreaking and completely oscar worthy. My mom was a basketcase beside me and I wasn't any better. It taught me a ton about what marriage is and what it should be. I can't wait to slow dance with someone who knows me inside out. Really, that's all I want.

Today, Ryan and I roadtriped out to Peterborough so he could get his G license. I read a book about psychics in the waiting room while an elderly lady smiled at me and two kids played with cars to my right. The mother of the two boys read them a story, but she read it quickly and without any animation. I hate when parents don't read stories properly.. it really bugs me. I like to do the voices and everything...maybe because that's what my mom always did. Sometimes I don't understand why people want to be parents when they don't put a lot of effort into it.

After Ry aced his test, we ventured out into the downtown area and walked the streets. We went into this really cool record/cd store, and I instantly wished I was the girl behind the counter. I've always secretly wished to be a character from empire records. I found a Hawksley album I didn't have, yet all the music was way too overpriced. A beautiful Joni Mitchell song played int he store, and I'm determined to find out what song it was. It was the kind of song that made you feel like a character in your own life. That maybe, your life could be as magical as you imagined. As we walked into a used book store, I happened to pick up a book called 'Girl' by Blake Nelson. I turned the cover around and realized that the book was based on a movie I had seen back in grade 11 with erin. It was one of my favourite movies in the world at the time, and it was what got me out of my tiny-bopper phase and into my punk rock rebelious stage. That movie was the reason I listen to good music now. Watch it! I've already started the book and I'm in love. I also picked up the new White Stripes album and Say Anything for 10 bucks!

The Law of Attraction has mysteriously been working in my favour since reading that marvelous book. I've created a "fake" cheque in the amount of $25,000 (for australia purposes) and every morning when I wake up, I jump up and down and believe that I have truly been given that money. Since writing the cheque, $200 has come to me this week. Coincidence? Who knows. The funny thing is, even more money is coming to me because Ryan and I BOTH got a call back tonight for The Cliks music video!!! It shoots this sunday, and I have to call them tomorrow to get all the details. I'm so excited. =D I don't even think luck is on my side, but rather positive energy is. I'm transmitting it and in turn getting it back. I wonder what we'll be doing in the video. Tonight, my friend Peter asked me if I'd like to be his assistant for one of his classes in September. Ok, so I thought I'd never have to go back to York.. but oh well, it's great for my resumé.

Books I've read for the summer so far:
For One More Day - Mitch Albom
The Hottest State - Ethan Hawke (for the third time)
Junior - Macualay Culkin
The Secret - Rhonda Byrne
Embraced by the Light - Betty J Eadie
Girl - Blake Nelson (currently reading)

I leave for Ohio 2 weeks today, and I'm getting excited. It'll be sweet to stay in a mansion for the weekend and pretend i'm an american.

Goodnight Y'all.

vino me

2007-07-09T04:20:24Z

somewhere, in amongst the handstands in the pool, the early morning coffee, the bad hair days replaced with hats, the unexpected phone calls, the horrible fights, the alright make-ups, the divorce, the sex, the lack of sex, the one night stands, the painted toe nails, the gaining of weight, the spiders killed, the one man orgasms, the friday nights in, the bangs, the stomach aches, the packing, the lonliness, the letters in the mail, the books read, the novels unfinished that sit on shelves, the horoscopes, the bagels, the lack of spooning, the new girlfriend, the break ups, the time...

i felt you.

and whenever i think i'm doing my own thing, living in my own world with headphones on, someone tells me they've been watching me from afar.

i wish i could do all the things my impulses say.
i wish that for once, i could go to bed with someone other than myself.
but hey, i'm a patient girl.
anyway, i think sex is like wine;
the older it gets the tastier.
pour me a glass though, wouldja?
a sparkling glass of red red red vino
on top of a tall glass of white
we'd wine the night away
drunk off our own taste

dear diary: sometimes i wish i were born in the form of a wine made in 1976, the year of the cat.

the secret

2007-07-08T02:09:21Z

It's a saturday night and what am I doing? Reading of course, because it seems I get dorkier as I get older. My mom's best friend (which happens to be my best friends mother) gave my mom 'The Secret' by Rhonda Byrne for her graduation gift. I picked it up today and now i'm almost done reading it. I know that it's basically all anyone talks about lately, but now I can see why. This book is AMAZING and I highly suggest that if you're reading me, to read the book. This is what i've learned so far (which is all common sense when you think about it):

-all of your thoughts become things
-do not think about what you don't want in life, but what you do because you attract the things you are thinking. for example, if you think "i can't handle all this work", what the universe understands this as "i want more work than i can handle".
-make good thoughts before falling asleep
-what you think about most will appear in your life
-think only good thoughts, and if you notice you are thinking negatively, try to shift your mood immediately
-'secret shifters' are things you love that can change your mood. make a list for yourself.
-the feeling of love is the most important feeling of all
-write out - clearly - what it is you want in your life. be specific. fill everything with detail. in order for these things to come to you, you must a) want it b) believe in it, have faith that you will get it c) feel that you have already received it. make believe if you have to.
-visualize the things that you want, because when you visualize something the mind already thinks that you have attained it
-if you want to lose weight, make it clear to yourself what the perfect weight for you is. get pictures of your desired weight and look at them constantly. only think perfect thoughts of the body you have now. what do you love about your current body?
-in order for these changes to occur, start with something small ie) make it your intention to attract a cup of coffee or a smile a day
-create your day in advance; if you start it off negatively, negative thoughts will likely consume you and bad things will flock to you like a domino effect because that is all you're attracting
-list the things you are grateful for, which in turn invokes positive thinking
-if you've been there in the mind, you'll go there in the body

--

The law of attraction has been around forever, and yet I never really took the time to understand what that meant. 95 pages into this book, and it's gotten me to thinking about my thoughts, and if I am responsible for all the good, bad and ugly i've had in my life. This book has made me realize that more often than not, we are focusing on the wrong things. When I want to lose weight for example, all I ever do is think about what I want gone and what I hate about my body when I see my reflection in the mirror after a shower. If i keep thinking about losing weight, the universe cannot wrap it's head around my thoughts because I never have the end result in mind. The question is, what do I want? From now on, i'm going to post a picture on top of my computer of what I want my body to look like and by visualizing this transformation, it will occur much easier. My mom is a walking and talking example of all the negative she's attracted into her life. She hates my dad, thus - negativity flows through her because that's all she's focusing on. The bad stuff only hurts us, after all. When my mom's late, all she repeats is "i'm gonna be late! fuck, there's more traffic, i'm gonna be so late!" And guess what? She ends up being late to no surprise. It's as if she's purposely writing out her own negative answers to life. I'd like to think I'm much different from my mother, but we all have those days where we wake up on the wrong side of the bed and nothing seems to go right. I'm so fucking excited to list the things I want in life. It's like looking through a catalogue and picking out what you want and flipping the page when you don't see anything that interests you. This is going to be hard to write for myself, because I'm not sure I know what it is that I want out of my life. Of course I want good health, enough money, an amazing man, a happy home... but how can I be more specific?

What do you want?

little girl little girl you should close your eyes, that blue is getting me high

2007-07-06T19:38:49Z

last night i saw transformers with ryan and veronica. i was enthralled with it for some reason, perhaps because shia labeouf is smokin'. i'm not sure what it is about jewish boys, but i like them very much. they're just so naturally dorky, which is one of my many weaknesses when it comes to men.

july is an exciting month. for starters, i can't even believe it's already july. if i was going back to school in september, i'd be pretty pissed that the summer was flying by this fast... then again, doesn't it always? i have to find a job for the fall/winter before i leave the country. i'm hoping i can find some sort of daycare job.. kids make me the happiest, and i'm not around them enough. i've been enjoying my time off from work a little too much. i'm indulging myself in long walks with the dog, new music, sleeping in and staying up till 2am talking to my great friend, and being kids again with ryan. it's as if we never aged.

july 12th - drive up to peterborough so ryan can get his G test, followed by treating ourselves to massages.

july 13th- dance cave.

july 21st - meet sook yin lee and get her to sign my copy of short bus. i've been contemplating what to say to her. "i wish you'd come back to muchmusic". "nice landing strip." "what kind of vibrator did you use in the movie?"

july 27th- pick up my degree, then ROADTRIP to OHIO with ry. we're going to visit our cousin kirsten and her hubby, and stay in their mansion for the weekend

favourite songs at the moment:
Desire - Ryan Adams (wow, im seriously in love)
Vultures - John Mayer Trio
Poison Oak - Bright Eyes
Last Request - Paolo Nutini (baby making song)
I'm a Window - Matthew Good (the album is sick)
Grace - Jeff Buckley
Bad Habit - The Dresden Dolls
Would that make you love me - Robin Thicke
Roads - Portishead (sexy sexy)
Heart Shaped Glasses - Marilyn Manson

wow i love lists today.
time to go buy some vonngegut books and read in the sun.
what songs are you loving this summer?

reality of the loser

2007-07-03T23:40:25Z

the icecream man drives through this neighourhood at 130 and 430 every afternoon. he waits infront of my uncles house, knowing that he'll order that double scoop chocolate cone, every single time. all the backyards are back to back, like in the 60s, and children play outside until the mosquitos want to join. i just finished reading 'junior' by macaulay culkin, and loved it. he's still kevin mccalister in my heart, just with attention deficit disorder and a crooked nose. the other night i had a "date" in a dirty apartment. i smoked some bad pot and became the girl i used to be. not that i hated that girl, but she wasn't so mature and her hair constantly smelled of smoke and a hangover. but that's what i like about bad dates; they make you realize what it is you want..and what exactly you can't stand to be around anymore. it hasn't been quick, but i've certainly matured since the time i smoked my first joint while fear and loathing in las vegas played in the background. or that one night stand. or that drunken dare. or that one mistake on halloween night that almost cost me. or or or.. all the stupid times that qualify you as a teenager. the fu part of fun is gone, and i'm on to bigger (sometimes smaller) and better things. sparklers in happier backyards. a new song. a phone call. a smile. a full moon make out. a movie that leaves you speechless. travel. popsicles. red wine without the hangover. a beer on the porch, with your hoodie around your ears. you know that part in almost famous, where russel wants to surround himself in everything that is real? that's where i'm at.. and that's where i'll remain.

where everybody knows your name

2007-06-26T03:42:28Z

turn my grief to grace

2007-06-21T16:12:01Z

today i'm going to ikea with my cousin. i'm going to buy floating shelves, and a hot pink computer chair so my ass has something hot to sit in.

i'm in a good mood today.. but this was written last night, when i wasn't so happy.

June 20th, 2007

I've been living the last few days feeling numb as a mouth after the removal of wisdom teeth. I never thought I would miss my old house the way that I do. I spent fifteen (mostly depressing) years there, and yet it is the things we hate the most that we seem to miss the most. As much as moving represents a new beginning, it also signifies the end of an era. The era of my hometown, the home where I first fell in love, the home I came running to after drunken parties, late curfews, and sneaking out till 5am. It's the home of my adolescence, and I had some amazing teenage years. If life were merely lived between ages 16-20, I would do it over and over again. I know that I need to live in the now but sometimes I can't help but reminiss on the great past. My problems were nothing but a math equation that could easily be erased. Now, my problems are much darker, and require excessive amounts of white-out. I figure by the time i'm 30 in 7 years, my problems will be much too big to get rid of. Is this what it's like to become an adult? The older I get, the more life seems to be about money and survival rather than the romanticized idea i've imagined it to be. Lately, I've been thinking that maybe I'm not the marrying, 3 babies on the way, picket fence kind. Maybe, i'm the girl that lives in a one bedroom condo in the city, rides her bike to work, drinks coffee at the corner of yonge and bloor - while reading the toronto star and oogling the metro looking 30 something year old brunette across the table. I'll have men living with me, i'll go to jazz clubs and rock shows until i'm 60. I'll surround myself in art, music, travel. The more I picture myself with this life, the better I think it might be. Maybe all this time, I've been the soulmate I'm looking for.

I spoke to my dad tonight. I could hear the sadness in his voice when he realized I had moved without letting him know. It's so hard to respect both parents, without disappointing one of them. He told me he would miss me being at 127 Larkin, and I suddenly felt as if I were already living oceans away. I wanted to tell him I still had 8 months before that happened. I just looked in the mirror and saw my father in me, for the first time. Something across the eyes.

I don't want to be 22 anymore.
I don't want to hold in emotion or smile when i'm about to burst.
Snap, crackle, pop;
it's not cereal... it's me.

-written while listening to this

reading&watching.

2007-06-19T02:57:07Z

my reading list for the summer

Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland
Spring Awakening by Frank Wedekind
Magical Thinking: True Stories by Augusten Burroughs
The Loser's Club by Richard Perez
Big Fish by Daniel Wallace
Courageos Souls: do we plan our life challenges before birth? by Robert Schwartz
Ash Wednesday by Ethan Hawke

movies i have to see during the summer
The Way We Were
Science of Sleep
The Graduate
The Big Lebowski
The Hottest State
Evening

suggestions?

writing from elsewhere.

2007-06-18T18:21:49Z

bonjour.
i'm all settled into the new home. yesterday felt like the longest day of my life... woke up at 7am and went to bed at 2am, non stop unpacking. thank god for relatives. my room is coming together, and as you can see i've got my computer up and running as well as my tv (just so i could catch dawsons creek this morning). i never sleep in anymore, it's weird. i do miss my old house already; the way my dog could look right out the window at other dogs passing by, my ceiling fan, my backyard (in all of its ugliness), my huge room....and that's it. this is going to be a positive place. no more messages on post it notes or bedrooms with closed doors. new beginnings are in order.

today my hair curls in all directions, i'm listening to new music by matthew good, the sun is hiding behind the clouds. what does your monday look like?

pop culture for my generation (stolen from wes)

Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
did i ever... they were the first concert i ever went to, and i was sick with the flu but refused to miss out on seeing joey mcintye in the flesh. i also still own allll the barbie dolls, the sleeping bag, and almost their complete discography. haha.

Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
oh yeah... remember when they got banned from school?

The Babysitter's Club or Sweet Valley High?
the babysitters club by farrr. although i liked both.

Salute Your Shorts or Hey Dude?
i've never heard of either... american only?

Kids Incorporated or The Mickey Mouse Club?
i didn't watch either.

Did you want Dylan to end up w/ Brenda or Kelly?
brenda! any hardcore 90210 fan will tell you that.

Who was ALF?
Alien Life Form.. haha oh man that show was great.

Do you remember the show Dinosaurs?
yep.. not the mama not the mama!

Do/did you know the words to the Fresh Prince theme song?
of course.. anyone 18 and up should know it!

Kimmie Gibler or Urkel?
kimmie gibler.. for her smelly feet.

Blossom or Clarissa Explains It All?
blossom! especially when she tap dances on top of the piano in the opening credits. and joeys "whoa!"

Did you have a crush on JTT?
oh yeah. i had 100 posters of him around my room, and kissed each one every single night. jtt was the beginning of me falling in love with guys that are clearly gay.

Bobby Brown or Tevin Campbell?
bobby brown, for a few songs.

Step By Step or Full House?
full house, by a landslide. i still watch it.

Did you listen to Milli Vanilli?
hell no.

Mr. Rogers or Reading Rainbow?
i hate that reading rainbow song, and mr. rogers bored me to death because it seemd to take him years to take off his damn shoes.

Did you own a Glo Worm?
nope

Paula Abdul: better now or then?
then.. at least she made some hits and could dance.. now shes on crack.

Wild 'n' Crazy Kids or Double Dare?
are these tv shows?

Remember Legends of the Hidden Temple?
vaguely

The Mighty Ducks or The Little Giants?
the mighty ducks.

Did you watch Saved By The Bell?
i've seen every single episode... lets reminiss on the good ones.
when jessie gets addicted to pills and has her breakdown, when kelly and zack break up at prom, when lisa dances with a broken ankle, all the episodes where the gang works at the beach, the time when 2 robbers chase the gang throughout the mall and they have to pose as manniquins (never laughed so hard in my life), zack and kellys wedding!

Who was hotter: Zack or Slater?
zack! i never liked albert clifford slater.

Camp Nowhere or House Arrest?
never saw either of them

Did you own a pair of Reebok Pumps?
not pumps.. but definitely reeboks.

Carebears or Smurfs?
carebears..i loved that show.

Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
strawberry shortcake

Did you watch Miami Vice?
nope

Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
yep

Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
nope

Atari or Nintendo?
both. i have my dads atari from the stone ages.

my arms around you.

2007-06-14T16:40:57Z

i'm in love with this.
if i could marry these two, i would...and we would have the best threesome marriage ever.

all fiction

2007-06-13T03:03:03Z

the kids are in bed. two of them. one plays with my barbies while the other plays with your old hockey sticks. they're polite kids; full of please and thanks yous. i kiss them a lot. the cottage is dimly lit, and you're by the stereo, trying to find the perfect easy listening song. 'wicked game' starts to play by chris isaak, but you flip to something a little more current. i hear the guitar and i instantly recognize the song. 'vultures' by john mayer. i'm wearing a white tshirt without a bra, and you can see through it. i start dancing in the spot, eyes closed, arms trying to grab hold of the ceiling, the cottage fan blowing my bangs off my face to expose a drip of sweat. by the time john gets to 'walk through the fire', you're standing infront of me.. hands in pockets made of jean. you're tanned, and our children get it from you. you smell of beer, the outdoors, and cheap shampoo from the grocery store in town. you kiss me first on the forehead, followed by the breast/heart, and finally the knee - where a mosquito took blood a few hours earlier. your mouth feels good against all places, but especially the heart. we decide to dance. i am drunk off of an entire bottle of red wine. you are dying to undress me. but, we keep dancing.. candles flickering in corners of the room, while mosquitos try to make their way indoors. the moon gives off a light that says i love you, while our eyes give off that 'take me to bed' look.

-inspired by 'vultures' by john mayer

(listen)

the up side

2007-06-09T22:21:58Z

i am sooooo stoked. on monday, erin and i are booking our trip to NYC in august. we're going on the sex and the city tour AND seeing spring awakening. if you know me, those are two of my biggest loves. with the exception of our band trip to washington in highschool or the ben kweller concert in detroit, erin and i have never been anywhere together... so this is LONG over due.

speaking of new york, tomorrow i'm going on a day trip to buffalo with jenna and our lovely mothers. i'm going to look for things to decorate my new room. i move in 1 week! i'm keeping my room white, and stenciling quotes in black, as a border... so, can you please tell me your favourite quote and i'll add it to my walls? that way, i can say that we've slept together :) here's what i have so far:

life is a balance of holding on and letting go
love is a dangerous angel
if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends
love is friendship set on fire
if you can't live on love alone, it isn't love
sometimes you gotta send it away to get it back again
heaven isnt a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
ballerina you must have seen her dancing in the sand
i gave her my heart, she gave me a pen
souls are chords that are meant to be strummed

time for dinner, drinks, and 'knocked up' with two gorgeous girls i haven't seen since august.

x
o
a

reality is free

2007-06-05T06:15:30Z

I am in a sleepy daze right now, in the middle of cloud nine. I saw Hawksley Workman tonight, for the 4th (or is it 5th?) time. He is my favourite musical artist in the world, so needless to say I was pretty stoked the entire day.. waiting eagerly in anticipation for my hawksley summer fix. The Stills opened for him; a really solid band from Montreal, ie) the music centre of the world right now. I'm going to download their discography tomorrow because they were that good. If I wasn't saving all of my money, I'd go out and buy their albums.

As the sun set, I turned my head to the left and saw Hawksley standing in the doorway of the stage. I looked at him and waved, and he waved back and then disappeared. When the sun left, he appeared.. with a fedora and a miniture pot belly. I told Rachel that I would make love to him even if he weighed 300 pounds. Mosquitos flew around his face as he sang so perfectly, and the air smelled of pot. Huge white lights flashed across the sky, and I felt like I was in Disney Land. It started to rain, and everyone turned around to look at what the rain looked like through the flood lights. It was such a perfect moment. I'm not sure whether or not it was because I watched a movie the other day that was based on the 60s, but it felt like we were all hippies tonight; clapping, singing, dancing, swaying - without a thought in the world besides 'i wonder what song he'll sing next'? Even the couples in love didn't make me sigh or scream. Instead, I was thrilled to finally see two people that didn't take each other for granted. He would kiss her ear, she would kiss his forehead. (2 of the best kinds of kisses) She had a braid that went below her ass, and I wondered if they had been together for as long as it took her to grow it. It is completely refreshing to see real love while listening to real music in a city that is my real home. The more I leave it, the more I realize how much I need to be in it. I cannot wait until I live in amongst subway lines and teach kindergarten to little kids on Queen Street. I'm completely homesick for a place I haven't even lived in.. yet.

Here's a clip of Hawksley singing 'Anger as Beauty'. I recorded a lot of amazing videos but they're completely embarassing because i'm singing at the top of my lungs in all of them. Who ever thought that was a good idea?

Peace and love and a forehead kiss,
a.

the four letter word that no one can read

2007-06-02T20:01:07Z

I lay in bed last night, drifting asleep to a mixed cd. I started thinking about all the mixed cds i've collected over the years, from various lovers and friends who would have liked to be lovers. The one I was listening to was from a friend who I occasionaly kissed, and it was those kisses that eventually ended our friendship. I spent an entire summer watching him strum a guitar and sing the most beautiful covers. He liked to close his eyes during chorus'. We loved to speed down the highway, the wind messing up our hair, singing along to ani difranco at the top of our lungs. If I could take back the kisses and put us back in that car, I would. He made the greatest cds. He was the one person who liked my favourite songs as much as me. He understood the intensity of female folk singers and the power of an old smiths song, like 'this charming man'.

Before bed last night, Kristi and I sat in the tim horton's parking lot, amongst tears and talks. The sun set above us, as we talked of relationships. What's better, being with someone you would die for, or being with someone who would die for you? Because let's face it.. there aren't many relationships where both would equally die for each other. Can you learn to love someone as much as they love you? Is love real if it doesn't begin in unison? I feel like Kristi and I have been having this similiar conversation since grade 10...whether we're sitting up against lockers, stealing the van, or sitting inside a black car on a Friday night.

It's strange. Most of us learn how to read before we've even reached kindergarten, and yet when love comes into the picture, no one knows how to read it. You would think a four letter word wouldn't be too hard to pronounce. But hell, the english language makes about as much sense as life does.

J'adore.
Je Taime.
Let's all try and spell it out.

I leave you with one of my favourite scenes in cinematic history. Just watch their eyes.

fantasy / mail

2007-05-29T01:26:25Z

The one thing I really like about my job is fantasizing about what I would do if I lived in a customer's home. Today, this lady with blonde hair and skinny bones had the most amazing shower in her basement. A two person shower, complete with two seperate shower heads. I imagined all the things I could do in there. Showers always make me think dirty thoughts. Romantic, dirty thoughts. Churches will do that to me too. How inappropriate of me. Where do you think dirty the most?

Even though I have no time, I'm in a letter writing mood. If you'd like my graduation pic and some snail mail from me, give me or email me (abeautifulchaos@hotmail.com) your address and you'll get a personalized lovenote plus me in a dorky grad hat, looking like my mother. Erin, I've already sealed your letter, so no requests from you. :)

love and letters,
a

rip aunt joyce.

2007-05-27T23:59:51Z

I sit outside, on stairs of a backyard that will soon no longer be my own. The ends of my hair curl like unwanted body hair. The air smells like all air does after the rain; clean, worm-infested, like spring. I start to wonder if all life's reactions are the same. It never smells like marshmellows after it rains and no one smiles after someone dies. The grass sweats and I hear her crying. My great aunt died today, and my mother was very close to her. It seems like the 2 of us are playing a nasty game of nintendo. Every time we're close to winning, we get hit in the back by someone resembling a turtle, and have to begin again. Whenever I experience happiness now, I'm afraid of the 'game over' appearing on my own invisible life screen. Life is very much like a game that should be kept out of reach from children, and sometimes - even adults.

A bird stares at me, reminding me that not much can go wrong in his life. Shit, sleep, eat, and whenever he has a problem, he can fly away from it. I've wished to do the same many times. I wonder what a normal family does on a Sunday. Kitchens smelling of coffee, newspapers read and neatly recycled. Dad outside, cutting the grass and mom inside, reading a book. Apple pie, of course, for dessert. In my 20s, I still fantasize about a family that doesn't exist. But, I know a lot of families, and some of them resemble a replica of what perfect could be. A kitchen smelling of burnt toast and strawberry jam. Newspapers drying on the table from last night's rain. Dad, outside washing the car he bought during his mid-life crisis. Mom, inside doing yoga to keep from losing her figure during menopause. McCains frozen cake with sprinkles for dessert. Perhaps it is good to know so many beautiful families, so that maybe one day...I can become one of them.

This Thursday, my aunt will celebrate her 79th birthday with her husband, or rather her 1st birthday with her soulmate, in Heaven. She always told me she hated my hair black, and I wanted to tell her that maybe if she stopped drinking, black hair wouldn't look so bad. I just wanted her to see the beauty in things less obvious. (Maybe I should do the same).

You know what I love about Heaven? I'd like to think it's a place filled with copius amounts of love. And here on Earth, we pretend we're not.... searching.

love and black dresses,
ash

chaching

2007-05-27T04:45:24Z

My dad's side of the family had a grad party for me tonight and I was spoiled more than Richie Rich. $1500 and a new digital camera!! I've been using the first digital camera ever made for what seems like 10 years now, and it's being held together with an elastic. I'm sooo happy to have a camera half the size of my old one. I <3 photography. A lot of the money will be going towards a laptop for me, for my travels. I have such a generous fam. I couldn't ask for more loving people. And Monica? I'm not sure what I would do without her.. she is my saving grace when it comes to.. well, everything. I love how when you're an only child, certain people will act as brothers and sisters to you, whether you've got the same genes or not. I am thrilled right now. I can get my new laptop, I can take pretty pictures in Aus with a camera that isn't made in the stoneage, AND my dad told me that he would give me $8,000 towards my tuition for australia. I couldn't believe it. A weight the size of an elephant was lifted off my shoulders when he told me that. I think he's finally realizing how serious I am about this. Things are all coming together, and I. am. happy.

After the party tonight, my cousins and I went back to my place with my grad balloons in hand and decided to suck all the helium out. Here's me at my finest... enjoy :)

i'm sold.

2007-05-26T16:44:45Z

I have been waiting most of my life to see that red and white sign. Leaving here can be compared to getting a new puppy or the first day of school after a long summer or the night before you leave on a vacation and how you can never seem to get to sleep. Pure excitement.

Today is my grad party. I get embarassed when opening gifts infront of everyone, knowing their eyes are all fixed on me. It's a warm spring day. The wind is blowing at just the right speed and the air smells of barbeques. A little boy and girl are swimming naked in their kiddie pool, as i look out my window. I'll miss this window, and all the great things i've seen out of it. The sunsets, the boy screaming Rapunzel!, the firetruck speeding by. I suppose there will be new things to see out of new windows.

If you haven't already, check out Bright Eyes newest album - 'Cassadaga'. Cassadaga is a town in Florida known as the "the psychic center of the world". Erin, we need to go! The album is absolutely mindblowing, and I only use the word "mindblowing" when i'm really in love with something or someone. By far the best album of 2007 i've heard. Conor Oberst is more than the Bob Dylan of our generation. My heaven would have this album playing on repeat. Please buy it. burn it. you will not be disappointed.

love and limos passing by,
ash

somewhere, with his corona

2007-05-24T21:13:40Z

i watched sex and the city reruns all afternoon, with the commentary running. 'what is better than passion and laughter, together, in a relationship?', the writer asked. he reminded me of why it's good to be picky, and why i'm still waiting. i'm ready for my mr. big, i only hope it doesn't take me till 38 to find him. i'd like to think he's sipping on a beer, hoping for the same thing. and it's funny.. if you were to ask me to describe him, i'd have no idea. i think i'm waiting to be surprised by something that i haven't imagined or experienced yet.

my favourite video #5: 'foundations' by kate nash

(please don't turn this entry into another debate about the word eh)

2007-05-23T03:20:48Z

The relationship my father and I have sounds like that Tom Petty song - "Breakdown". It's laid back and relaxed until you hit the chorus, and the chorus meaning my teenage years. Listen to it. As I lay in bed last night, I tried to think myself to hate him. But, I'm not built that way. There's not an unforgiving bone in my body and I'm the opposite of any silent treatment. While trying to flood my brain with bad memories of him, it was the good ones that took over. Sleeping in his bed whenever I thought ghosts were flying about in my room. Standing on his shoulders in the pool and flying belly first into the deep end. Pretending to fall asleep on a long car ride home, just so that he could carry me from the passenger seat to my pink flowered bed. I realized something; I'm looking for the exact same things in a lover. It seems many fathers and daughters worked better when they were younger. Maybe it was the 80s. Better neighbourhoods. Better music to dance to. Better relationships? I have a choice; I could hate my dad for all the things he's failed to do, or I could love him for the things he did - even if they all occured ten years ago.

I sit in a parked car on a residential street, near St. Clair West, as I write this. Little kids play hide and seek outside my window. "Ready or not here I come" has been in childhood vocabulary for what seems like centuries. Families pass by on bikes. Good families, with Dora the Explorer backpacks and purple popsicle stained mouths. I wish for messy children. At work today, we cleaned windows for a retired couple. The wife was Italian and the husband was British, both avec accents. When Jay noticed that the cheerful husband even smiled while he read, he responded by saying "well, I feel like I'm the luckiest guy in the world", as he peeked over at his wife. I wish to feel that kind of lucky, someday.

It's finally hitting me. So many things in my life are changing all at once. Moving out of the house I've lived in for 16 years in less than 20 days. My parents finally divorcing; something that should have happened 22 years ago. I'm going away for almost an entire year, without family or friends or most importantly - my dog. (thank god i don't have a boyfriend right now, i'd be a complete basket case and probably try to stuff him in my carry on so that we can cuddle and join the mile high club). It's scary, and sometimes I don't like to think about it because I can just imagine myself crying all the way to Australia during that day long plane ride. I get home sick in a week, nevermind 10 months, but this is something that will change my life... for the better, in all ways.

Forever's always end, and in this case - I'm glad they do. I never thought I'd reach the point where my life became a different life, a better one.

brand new!

2007-05-20T03:33:18Z

Libra (Sept. 23 — Oct. 23)

When you're worried about your prospects, your mood soon changes. A dramatic, drastic and thrilling new chapter in your life is about to begin. A radical direction that you once thought you would never take will begin to look quite feasible.

My grandma cut that out of the paper today, for my mom and I. She is the cutest, astrology believing grandma.. and I'm always hoping she'll out live me just so that I never have to be apart from her. I wish that for a lot of people in my life actually.

I saw Brand New for the second time on Thursday night, with a girl I hadn't seen in 4 years (since highschool). Reece was even funnier than I had remembered. Our car ride was filled with reminiscing over highschool memories and laughing till we couldn't breathe. I'm not sure there was a second when we weren't talking. I realized something that night with her. I need more people like her in my life. Real, simple, humourous. That is what friendship should be. It's almost as if she gave me what Erin gives to me - and that, is hard to find. I bought a Brand New hoodie that night and I haven't taken it off since. Jessie sang play crack the sky and jesus christ, so if I die tomorrow I won't be too disappointed. As I got home that night, a for sale sign swung in the wind at my house. It made me smile and sigh all at once. This is what I've been waiting for.

My mom and I have been packing and loading the car up and traveling around the city. We are better than the gilmore girls. Tonight we found out that we're getting an offer for the house tomorrow night. Two days, and already someone wants to live in this place that holds so many good and bad memories. Tonight 10 of my family members will say a little prayer in their beds and hope that our house sells come tomorrow. Wouldn't it be great if things started going up hill? It seems my mother and I have been sliding down hills on tobagans for years and years. Good things come to those who wait, right? I'd like to believe in at least one cliché quote.

Going to Australia for a year. Moving into a new home. Single and happy. I feel like I'm running around in a new life.

xo A

i'll be a brand new day in the life that you hate.

2007-05-16T22:49:46Z

i like new days. there is something therapeutic in overnight sleeps.

+'s
i get to see brand new tomorrow (for free)!
i paid my deposit for australia and sent them my acceptance
zach braff is hosting snl this week
the long weekend is coming up, which means fireworks and new memories
the house is going up for sale tomorrow
i feel skinnier
i have the best friends

-'s
i was going to list them, but, whats the point when there are so many positives?

it's like saying rock kills paper. it just doesn't work.

when the whole world is sleeping...

2007-05-14T07:15:32Z

I stepped inside my new home tonight.. and it felt surreal to be standing in the middle of my soon to be room. I looked out my window, and instantly knew that the view I was seeing was the right one. You know when you just know? I just got in from my night shift of work.. and i'm surprisingly wide awake. Jay and I are becoming good friends, which is nice, in a town where there are so little friends to find. It's raining for the next three days so that means I get a little time off, which is also nice. I think i'll do some packing, some drinking, some shopping, some laughing. I get to see one of my favourite bands in the world in concert this Thursday; Brand New. I was near tears when they played 'play crack the sky' when I saw them last year, and if they play it again I know I may just sink into the ground of the venue.

So.. in honour of Brand New, they are taking my favourite video #4 spot.

'Sic Transit Gloria (glory fades)'-Brand New